The path toward mental health recovery rarely has a clear beginning, middle, and end. But for Beth Knight, the middle was a long, silent chasm that she had to learn to bridge herself. Her journey started much earlier than her diagnosis, in the distressing difficulties of childhood.
“I started having issues when I was ten and first tried to do something really silly, and then it spiralled from there. I experienced parental neglect and, later, abusive relationships. I got really, really bad. I was probably 29 or 30 when I really started to struggle with symptoms of impulsivity, intense emotion, and crisis. I eventually got a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder.”
Crossing the Gap
Getting a diagnosis is one thing, but getting help is another. Beth found herself stuck in what she calls “the sandwich”—a start and end point, but with a massive gap in the middle.
“There were two years between being diagnosed and being offered any support. There was nothing. I’d never felt so alone in my entire life. My partner didn’t understand it, and my family refused to believe it. It’s like looking down a massive crack in the ground—a chasm. You can be on one side or the other, but there’s no continuity. I think clinical staff often see you as a problem rather than a person. I wish I’d just been listened to, understood, and supported by someone who knew exactly how I felt. You don’t get it until you get it.”
The Weight of a Label
For Beth, the name of her diagnosis felt like a barrier rather than a way to understand what she was going through.
“I think that a lot of it is because of the stigma surrounding personality disorders. I learned about my diagnosis by going on the internet and Googling it. There are some not very nice people out there. If you’re recently diagnosed and you go and look, you come up with articles calling you all sorts of names. ‘Borderline’ is such a difficult word. It makes you feel like you’re on the edge of being a person, or on the edge of a ‘real’ illness. I much prefer the term ‘Complex Emotional Needs’ because that’s what it actually is.”
She describes the internal reality of living with these needs: “There is a level of hopelessness and helplessness that not everyone understands exists. It is utter. You think, ‘Why am I still breathing? I would be better off, my family, my friends would be better off if I wasn’t breathing. I would stop causing them problems.’
It’s a fight to stay alive. Imagine a war on a battlefield. And the things that you’re fighting aren’t even human. They’re just like big demons from another world. That is what it’s like living in the brain of BPD; there’s no nighttime, there’s no break, there’s no truce, there’s nothing. You’re fighting with your own physical brain to stay alive. And it’s exhausting, and it’s terrifying; it’s an experience that’s difficult to put into words.
It’s a war between your mind and your actual physical grey matter that’s in your skull. And you don’t ever think that you can win. And that’s why the suicide rate among people with my disorder is so high. I think it’s 70% of people who have my diagnosis will attempt suicide, and upwards of 10% who complete it.
I’ve supported or known people who have my diagnosis who aren’t here anymore. Two of them.”
From Patient to Professional
The turning point came when Beth decided she didn’t want her experiences to be for nothing. She didn’t just want to recover; she wanted to change the system. Over the last few years, she has built up an incredible range of skills and training to do exactly that.
“I decided to start volunteering and became an Expert by Experience. I’m now a Peer Mentor, and I co-facilitate the Serious Mental Illness Engagement Training. I’ve done the Peer Leadership Development Program, and I’m almost halfway through my IMROC training. I’ve also completed the Trauma-Informed training—I was actually on the very first course they rolled out this year—and the WATCH training. I’m a Mental Health First Aider, too. Now, for the first time in 15 years, I’m looking to become employed.”
Beth recently took on a role as a Peer Connections Administrator: “I get to understand the service from not just the front of house, but from behind the scenes. I thought I knew what Peer work was until I knew I didn’t. It is the most rewarding thing I think I’ve ever done with my life. You learn more about yourself than you think you ever could when you put yourself into someone else’s position.”
The Magic of Connection
The power of Beth’s approach is best seen in the people she supports. She recently worked with a woman who had the same diagnosis and was considered to be at high risk of suicide.
“I spent eight weeks with her. I think she just needed someone to sit down and say, ‘I know you feel terrible. I get it. I’ve been there, but there is hope.’ I showed her that although your life is in chaos at the moment, you can still be a good parent. I failed my son for a good few years when he was younger, but now we are like best friends. He’s 14 and acing his schoolwork. By the time we finished our sessions, she felt she had all she needed to manage by herself. She even had the strength to break off a toxic, abusive relationship. I just brought out the strength she already had inside her.”
Living the Change
For Beth, peer support is the bridge that can fill the chasm she had to cross when first diagnosed.
“I want to be the change in the system that’s needed. Lived experience is possibly the most powerful thing in a mental health service. We are literally the proof that there is hope. You can change your life, you can improve your life, and you can be happy to be alive again. The fact that I am still here is one battle won. The second is that I’m actually happy to be here.”
If Beth’s story has inspired you to consider becoming a peer support worker or you’d like to access this effective form of support for yourself, check out our peer support pages, and to discover more about Peer Connections, please download a leaflet.
If you need help, call us anytime.
You can call Mindline Somerset to talk to someone who will listen and help you find the support you need.
📞 Call locally 01823 276892
📞 Freephone 0800 138 1692